If you would prefer to listen to this as a podcast, here is it on Spotify:
Let’s start with what behaviour is. Let’s cover the absolute basics so you can understand what’s going on inside your children or students.
Behaviour is communication.
It’s a way that we talk to others. Not verbally talk, but symbolically. It is a way that we express what we want or need.
Inside our bodies we receive a signal from to indicate we want or need something. These signals can come in 3 forms – a sensation, an emotion or a thought.
E.G., sensation (such as pain or aches, tightness or tingling) – is our body telling us that something is not well in that area. It may need rubbing, stretching, care of some sort).
Lots of people use the words ‘feeling’ and ‘emotion’ interchangeably when a feeling is a physical sensation. What makes it more confusing is that emotions can also create sensations in our body – such as warm, flushed cheeks when we are embarrassed or angry.
Emotions (feeling happy, sad, angry, scared, surprised, disgusted) are our bodies telling us to pay attention what is going on in our lives right now. Something is happening that you need to learn from.
If you’re feeling angry, whatever is happening right now, isn’t fair, and you need to identify what it is to sort it out.
Back when we were cavemen and women, it may be that someone has taken the berries you collected that morning on your scavenge and if you don’t get them back it can impact your family’s chance of survival. All emotions are primal bodily responses and the 6 core emotions that I just listed (happiess, sadness, anger, fear, surprise & disgust) are to prime us to the highest chance of survival.
Nowadays, it’s more likely to be that someone’s jumped infront of you in the queue or been rude to you.
If you’re feeling happy, it’s your body telling you to notice what you’re doing now and to do more of it because it makes you feel good and safe, meaning you’re more likely to survive.
Emotions are always telling us to do more of what keeps us safe and comfortable and less of what makes us feel uncomfortable, meaning it could be putting us in harm/danger.
This innate drive for experiences that make us feel good are what can lead us to addictions. But too much of a good thing can have a negative effect on the body.
The final signal our body could give us is a thought – an idea or an opinion from the mind.
To summarise, We receive a signal – in the form of a sensation, an emotion or a thought – to inform us what we want or need.
These needs and wants drive our behaviours. They cause us to act. They are our motivators to get what we want all day, everyday.
Sensation – dry mouth. Need = a drink of water. Motivates our Behaviour – get up, go to the kitchen, get a glass, fill it up and drink.
Emotion – boredom. Want – to read a book. Motivates our Behaviour – to get up, find the book, read it.
Thought – “I wonder how much a new phone would cost”. Want – to find out. Motivates our Behaviour – look online to find out.
These behaviours show others what our underlying wants or needs are without having to say anything. By seeing me drink a glass of water, we can translate this behavior into ‘She must have been thirsty’ and by reading a book you can infer ‘she must have been bored, had some spare time and she likes romantic fiction.’ By seeing me on my phone … well you probably couldn’t see the screen so you’d probably just think I was rude but you get the gist…
Just like you can tell somebody’s mood from their facial expressions. You can tell their wants & needs from their actions. From their behavior.
And we all have those signals – sensations/emotions/thoughts – no matter what age. Even babies. We all have wants and needs as well. These are instinctual, just as a baby has a want for warmth and comfort and will cry if their caregiver puts them down, they just want to be held and to feel safe.
The ONLY 2 things that will be causing your child’s or student’s challenging behaviour are their UNMET WANTS and UNMET NEEDS!
So now you have a basic knowledge of behavior, let’s apply that to our children or students…
As adults, when we have a want/need we can usually meet it ourselves. The sometimes irrational behaviours that we see in children often show themselves when they have a want or a need but they can’t physically meet themselves and this leads to frustration. UNMET WANTS AND UNMET NEEDS. If you meet them, the behavior will stop. Straight away. Instantly. There won’t be a need for it anymore.
If you meet their needs, the behaviour will stop. Straight away. Instantly. There won’t be a need for it anymore.
So the child can’t physically meet this want/need by themselves so the easy answer would be to ask someone who can to meet if for them. Simple. But the issue is that:
- Or they CAN’T verbalise what they want. They can’t put it into words and say it. This may be because of a speech and communication difficulty, because of their young age and they’ve not yet mastered these skills or because they simply can’t translate that feeling into words which is quite a high-order skill that many adults haven’t quite perfected yet!
- They don’t actually know what they want/need. (a toddler may feel a pang of jealousy watching their mum hug another child but they don’t know that they want attention and love and hugs. They are only aware of the physical feelings of jealousy inside, the sinking feeling in their stomach, the tears welling inside their eyes, the longing ache in their heart)
- Or they DON’T WANT TO verbalise what they want. (their experience of expressing their needs gets them shut down “don’t cry, only babies cry” “stop asking or you won’t get anything”)
Let’s talk through some examples for how your children or students may behave, and how it always ALWAYS stems back to them having an unmet want or need.
Let’s start with a toddler
Signal of Sensation – hunger in their stomach
Need – food
But because they can’t physically go and get the food from the kitchen, this is where issues arise. If they can talk they can say ‘mum/dad, I’m hungry.’ Problem solved. Need met.
But if they can’t, like with most toddlers, this need will drive their behaviour to maybe crawl to the kitchen and to reach up at the cupboards, to shout or winge or to chew other objects.
We can see someone’s behavior and are usually able to tell what they want or need.
If the caregiver can, in this case, work out that our toddler is hungry, then we can get them the food they need, their need is met, their hunger is satiated and their behavior will stop.
The issues come when the caregiver can’t read the behavior. Remember, BEHAVIOUR IS COMMUNICATION. The caregiver needs to act like a translator, translating the behaviour into language.
If they can’t translate the child would get frustrated and annoyed, after some time the hunger pangs would get stronger, the need would become stronger, the resulting behavior will become stronger.
Instead of winging, they may be screaming, crying, kicking. This is why we have phrases such as ‘toddler tantrums and the terrible twos’ because they’re at the very start of their journey in learning to talk so this frustration of not being understood happens regularly and leads to them feeling frustrated.
Then this can lead to the adult becoming frustrated that they can’t understand why they are acting like that, they would be triggered and annoyed and their mood/behaviour will be affected.
Now this is a pivotal moment for the adult. It can go one way or the other.
Route A – they can take a deep breath to stay calm and logical. They can share their calm with their child and help calm them down by soothing them with a hug, or crouch down onto their level and reassure them that everything’s alright in a calm tone of voice. They can clearly ask them to point to what they want or ask yes/no questions to decipher what they want. For example, do you need the toilet? Do you want some food? Do you want to go outside? Until you find out what it is.
Route B – If they don’t act as the investigator to find out what it is, maybe because they’re in a rush, they don’t have the time for that or the patience that day, then the child’s need still isn’t met. In this case, they’re still hungry. This sensation is only going to get stronger. Their behavior is only going to get bigger, bolder and stronger to express their stronger need.
This is going to continue until that need is met. Until they’ve eaten. Remember, it’s a survival instinct. To survive we must eat.
When you don’t have the time or patience, it’s common for us to say “stop. stop whining, stop whinging, stop crying”. The child can then either stop, but it will only be a short while until their hunger gets worse, or they don’t stop expressing their need, you get angry at them for not following their instructions so your mood gets worse, they start shouting or try to discipline them for not doing as they said. Think – “if you don’t stop, they’re won’t be any sweets tonight/going to your friends house/presents from santa”. Then it’s a never ending battle of the wills until someone gives in and it’s dinner time and the needs get met coincidentally.
This can also happen with older children who can verbalise their needs, but they may not know that a growl in their stomach means hunger or it may be a subtle hunger or a drop in their blood sugars which is harder to identify. This is my son whose 3 years old and he gets pure hangry at 4 o’clock. This is when, as the caregiver, you get to know your child and can predict when they will get hungry and provide them with a snack before the behavior starts.
Let’s look at another example for a child who can communicate but may not be able to identify what their want or need is.
Picture this – you’re going out so you hold up your child’s coat and tell them to put it on as you usher their arms into it.
Signal from their body as Emotion – anger (telling us something is not fair)
Want – to not have his coat on.
Behaviour – they shout no and throw their coat onto the floor.
OK, so we get the gist that they don’t want their coat on and if it’s optional for them to wear it, we would just have a reminder for how we say no politely (and actually we could have asked if they want to wear their coat instead of telling them to wear it) and they don’t wear it so their want is met and the unwanted behaviours stop.
But if it’s not an option wether to wear the coat or not, this is where we need to be investigators. Why don’t they want to wear it? Because when we know that core want, we can meet it and solve the problem.
So the simplest way to do this is to:
- Stay calm. Share that calm with them. Soothe them if they need it by using a relaxed tone of voice, relaxed posture, maybe come down to their eye level. They may need a hug.
- Simply communicate. Ask them why they don’t want to wear it. If they’re not sure, give them options. Is it because you’re already warm? Do you not like this coat? Is it because you want your batman t-shirt on show? So they can answer yes or no.
Remember that anger is when something doesn’t feel fair to them.
So if you know the reason for the anger, you can logically explain it to seem fair and reduce that emotion and the unwanted behaviours.
So if they’re already warm you can explain it is sunny outside but there is a cold wind so you will feel cold when we go outside.
If they don’t like the coat? They can choose another coat to wear.
If they want their batman t-shirt on show? They can take their coat off when you get to your destination.
Then they feel that it’s fair and you will get the behaviors that you want.
This happened with my son and it turns out that the zip on that coat scratched underneath his chin when he wore it. I didn’t find this out until later that day when he was calm which is why step 1 is so important. When children feel string emotions, this cuts off the logical side of their brain so they can’t tell you why.
If you don’t become the investigator and you urge them to put it on, it ends up in a battle. They become angrier, you become annoyed, their emotions get stronger so their behaviours become bigger and before you know it, you’re telling them that Christmas is cancelled, all because they didn’t want their coat on.
When were in a rush to leave the house, it may seem too time consuming to stop and ask them 21 questions for what can seem like the smallest point in the world to you, but the alternative is that your child learns that ‘their opinion doesn’t matter. You don’t care what they think’ if you don’t listen to them. When this subliminal message is repeated day in and day out, on small matters as to wether they want their coat on or not, they soon stop telling you their wants and needs. And you don’t want that when they’re teenagers and they need someone to turn to when their issues are a lot more significant than wearing their coat or not.
So, to summarise, in this podcast we’ve learnt:
- That behavior is a form of communication.
- To put a stop to their challenging behaviour/meltdowns, you need to meet their want or need.
- When a child displays challenging behavior, you should put you’re your Sherlock Holme’s flat cap on and ask yourself ‘What do they want or need?’
- Then you will be able to meet them, stop the need for challenging behaviours and your child or student will feel seen, heard & understood.
The Mindfulness Teacher 